I was at a bar last night and it got me thinking about something because something always does, because I'm extraordinarily in my own head, because I feel self reflection is the key to growth -- or that's what I tell myself because that's what suits me. If you pay attention, you probably know this is something I commonly do - shape the world to suit my needs, to make myself its ultimate benefactor. Yeah, I know...either self righteous or totally insane...but that's the line I aim to toe.
So anyway, anyway, anyway...
I'm at a bar and this girl is hawking me all night, because I'm a specimen or for whatever reasons people hawk other people, fill in your own shit. I write a lot about girl plural and the pursuit of good things that sometimes associate with them because the entire process defines fascination to me. This has all been said before. For the last month or so, in so many words, I've been absolutely out of the game - and I do this often, all the time, actually...because catch this theme as I make it obvious...it also suits me. Why? Well, because at this point in my life, I'm going to dish hurt to everyone and I'm going to dish it quickly. So I certainly tell people to tell people not to chase me. I certainly do that. And in the rare, rare case that I do actually meet a game changer, and they change my game, I know that in the end, I'll lose. They'll cut my legs out. Why? Because I think let them...because ultimately, I think that's exactly what I want. Because I look at myself and I hear what you don't hear and I can say because I know, I am incapable of anything but these absolutes, these extremes. Because it's destructive, unrealistic, temporary. Because it keeps me clean.
Anyway, she does this thing that screams no game lotta confidence where I can't escape, no matter where I go in the bar, no matter how many new conversations or slip aways I conjure. It was remarkable, actually. And by remarkable, I mean fucking annoying but ultimately adorable because in my re-telling, I'm aiming for mildly harsh instead of honest. Because honesty is scary. After a while, she gets the nerve to ask for my number, evidently not keen to the fact that I was blatantly not asking for hers. I gave it away because I admired something in the whole process, and I wanted to give that to her, a trophy for all that hard work. Finally free, I made it over to a couple of my boys. Among them were a couple of strangers also -- the impending key to my roundabout tale of self-reflection...
People who know me know that I'm sweet and composed, that I'm solid...a kind and gentle guy. People who really, really know me know that I'm a confused, disheveled, crude and arrogant dickbag. And I think once you know that, this whole thing that's me...it works. So I'm approaching this group I just mentioned, and my eyes are wide and I blow a monster exhale out of my lips to signify my escape -- because I'm a fucking child -- and I say exactly, "Wow she's really swinging for the fences, huh?" Then I'm introduced to two people I've never met and without hearing their name I say exactly, "That's the first thing you ever heard me say. Wow. I'd stay and apologize and lie about how grateful and appreciative I am of the affection I receive in this world and I'd try to convince you that I'm not some arrogant dickbag but I don't want to compound lies with poison and bullshit. Anyway, I've got to go to the little boys room."
...
I'm losing the ability to vocally communicate to the world. In my mind, before any words vacate my body, I feel like I'm forming prose, all the time forming prose, and I have to speak like a hurricane to keep up, to stay on pace, to not fall behind, to satisfy the judges that live inside here, checking my moment to moment. I'm ranting to myself often, silently or out loud, long ago dismissing the need to have someone there in front of me...to bounce with...and that can't be helping. I lose myself often, sometimes feel like I'm trading one form of communication for another, that to find growth here - words on pages - the world has to deem my speech incoherent. If that's how it's gonna go down then that's how it's gonna go down.
I'm alright with that. I am tightening...
