I want the soundtrack of my life set to Beirut's The Gulag Orkestar because right now, that feels about right, because of what I'm sitting in and thinking of and sifting through on my off-day Friday leading into my off-day Saturday leading into my off-day Sunday. That calm and beautiful roll and the carnival fucking moaning. That feels about right.
I think I'm done apologizing to myself for how I spend my weekends, for the directions I'm clearly not subconsciously aligning myself. This weekend, I have 22 miles to run. Next weekend, I have 31. The following weeks go something like 23, 31, 22, 32...and I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that I have to make time in under 3:11 because otherwise, I'll think of myself as a failure and have to live with that, setting mind to something and falling short -- and in my home of one, that's a dangerous game to play, and the thought of falling short makes me nauseous and it makes me sweat...thinking about having to deal with myself in mornings or on Sunday nights...holy shit, Sunday nights. Don't need that.
I tried to go out a couple nights this week. And by that, I mean I did make it out - not like I stopped at the door and turned back to come inside, afraid of the outside world. What I am saying is that I put my hat on, always put my hat on and more often than not, come home with nothing but collection, hardly roused...and I'm worried the people I spend time with think of me as fading, distancing...and I don't mean to be. There is acid, fucking acid in my blood - here, on the trail, in the push I'm always chasing. And I don't know if other people have that acid, but I'm looking and failing and every day, the deeper I get, the more it becomes all and only mine. And I'm done apologizing for that. Not that I ever was, I'm just done. Done.
Because I'm going out to leave bars early to walk home, to raise my headphones and move in the black, to dance steps as I walk, to feel like I'm re-aligning myself after drifting off course. It's Friday morning and I'm trying to figure out exactly what that means...
