March 30, 2010

March 28, 2010

Because I Know He Reads This...

It's settled John.

I'm leaving May 15th. Check how many days I lose flying from Los Angeles and you'll know when to meet me in Bangkok.

Don't make any plans for three to five months and be ready to fucking work.

And sleep well brother, I know I finally can.

Tonight.

March 22, 2010

I Can Only Imagine What Today Would Have Been Like...

Had I made my time under 3 hours and 10 minutes. Instead, I hit cramps at 18 and had to drag myself across the finish line in 329. I can only imagine the relief I would have had yesterday - had it anyway - when I could sit back and know in my head that I had earned Boston. I can only imagine what things would have been like - looking back on all I'd been through - and then looking up my time on the LA Marathon website and seeing it stop at 30k - 215. Stop. And not even get credit for finishing. I guess it doesn't matter all that much to me that I get recorded for a 329 marathon, or that I even get recorded for finishing...but can you imagine if I actually made my time and this happened?

Now that would have been something to talk about.

March 20, 2010

#7 - Los Angeles...

Alarm is set for 3 in the morning. I've got a back up. Have to get north of Sunset to meet my ride before 4. I should get to Dodger stadium by 530, extremely early for the 724 race. I'll lay on the ground and think about times when things have been tough, or when things are going to be tough. Time will fly. I'll line up, minutes before that gun and I'll kneel to the ground, because I do this thing that started a few marathons ago where I take my hand and push it into the ground, twist my knuckles into the pavement until they bleed a little bit, until I can feel that burn and sting before I pull back, before I feel the hurt of sweat covering those fresh parts of my hand for the next 3 hours, because that's how I've found I need to do business. I have never needed a marathon as much as I need this one tomorrow, I know that. Should be a great day.

March 16, 2010

Opie...


There's a mix that I can make of Modest Mouse - all Modest Mouse that feels what I'm feeling now. Boys are raw - I'm dealing with a severe imbalance right now and things are swinging. The music is roaring on my head and I was going through, always going through when I stopped and let myself come to an understanding that I am fucked this minute, just fucked and I can sit here and watch it and feel it watching me or I could take a drive or pretend like I could go to sleep - or write something down - admitting that I have nothing to communicate to - that I don't have the skills to communicate myself to anything but myself. Watch me feel love. Watch me push. Fucking hard. Watch me spit. Fucking spit. I am dirty. I am filthy. I am a motherfucker. Durban is coming after me. This marathon is coming after me. The life I've been bleeding for is at my door and I either won't open up or it won't ring my bell. I can't understand faces but my own. This is how it happens - a rush, all at once, swirling all fucking around me until I cave or my back snaps. I want to put my teeth into this bloody world and it's making me wait. It's making me wait and nothing is making me wait. I am a coward and fearless. Losing my shit. Never seen things so clear. Ever. I am ready to accept everything these statements imply.

I tried to explain all of this to someone at lunch today and he told me I was in bad shape and dark but that it was all very fascinating...that I do everything I do with the above mentioned and pictured exterior...that he worries about me and worries about that. I told him no one should ever worry about me. Ever. Ever. Ever. I adore bad shape. I am not in bad shape. I write and speak strong words because it's all I know. I want a lot from this world so I have to be unstoppable. Standing still hurts me. It makes me want to cry and kill. I feel like I'm standing still right now. I want to cry and kill and scream and bail and learn to fucking breathe again and find new skin. I want everything anyone has ever had that would cause me envy. I am going to build and destroy the world. I am coming to terms with that. Coming to terms. Repeating myself. Repeating myself.

Quake!


I have these mirrors in my bedroom that stretch from the floor to the ceiling, are quite unstable and also reveal self interested women. They woke me up around 4 today, along with a slam to my dainty roof, and the world shook a little bit - and there's always this moment during an earthquake, no matter how small, where I sit still and tell myself to get ready, that I am about to have to fight for my life. This one was small, and it hasn't happened yet, but what a way to start the morning.

I love LA.

March 14, 2010

Something Pulling Hard...


Usually happens when life's about to change and hard and there's nothing I can do about it.

Mia Wasikowska...


What a heroine, what a talent, what a future. I was at a party some time ago, drunk, so it must have been some time ago where she was being honored for Australians in film. Sweet, beautiful girl. I'd seen her on In Treatment but not extensively and I remember thinking to myself something like can a girl with a name that difficult really conquer this town?

I just watched her in Burton's extravaganza "Alice" with Johnny Depp and Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter and monsters and magic and she's the one still ringing in my head. That's nothing short of a miracle. Absolutely enjoyable movie. 20 years old. I'll be redundant and say it anyway...genius.

March 11, 2010

Durban...

Is in my head, hard, all the time these days. He won't relent - we have to go we have to go we have to go. When something creeps into his head, it becomes unstoppable. He knows me, all too well, knows my growing need to flee. I've been trying to keep things from him as best I can - not letting him in on anything until it is absolutely necessary. See, John has little patience. He has no patience. He makes me feel like I have an abundance, which is astoundingly not accurate. The thing about knowing John for as long as I have is that we have something of a shorthand. We've seen a lot of the world, been through a lot of the same shit. It makes this easier, our flow. He's been sending me pictures, one every hour on the hour today saying something like book it already motherfucker what are you waiting for...



I keep on telling him, keep on trying to explain my life, how he couldn't understand it and he usually says something like what's there to understand. Then, ditch your fucking crutches. Then, all you are these days are crutches, and weak. Then, writing bitch posts about fucking gingerbread houses and our book that you're trying to sell to New York. Then, fuck New York, they'll never understand us anyway. Then, that's not what this is about. Then, I thought this wasn't about that - or didn't need to be about that - that one would always happen without the other - that nothing is contingent and if you say it is, then you are finished my friend and not only that but that I might not want you as a friend anymore because you used to be so immune to traps - so immune. I usually take a breath and say nothing or say something like Mid May, over and over but for whatever reason, it's never good enough for him, as if I expected it to be - as if he expects me to leave tomorrow, say something like I'm on my way John, see you in Bangkok. I still have a couple ends to tie up in life or so I tell myself. No, I do. The point, I keep telling him is that someone has to sell this book - and he sure as hell isn't going to do it. Someone has got to give us weight, relevance. That's on me, and I keep trying to explain this and he doesn't seem to care, and there's really nothing I can do about that except tell him that my calendar is circled.

Our time will come again. It's approaching. Love you, brother, now leave me the fuck alone for a month. I'm trying to make you famous.

March 10, 2010

March 03, 2010

Wow!


This one snuck up - first post the Olympics. Back to the beautiful. Thank you Bill for sending this - they're gonna burn Rockefeller down!