There's a mix that I can make of Modest Mouse - all Modest Mouse that feels what I'm feeling now. Boys are raw - I'm dealing with a severe imbalance right now and things are swinging. The music is roaring on my head and I was going through, always going through when I stopped and let myself come to an understanding that I am fucked this minute, just fucked and I can sit here and watch it and feel it watching me or I could take a drive or pretend like I could go to sleep - or write something down - admitting that I have nothing to communicate to - that I don't have the skills to communicate myself to anything but myself. Watch me feel love. Watch me push. Fucking hard. Watch me spit. Fucking spit. I am dirty. I am filthy. I am a motherfucker. Durban is coming after me. This marathon is coming after me. The life I've been bleeding for is at my door and I either won't open up or it won't ring my bell. I can't understand faces but my own. This is how it happens - a rush, all at once, swirling all fucking around me until I cave or my back snaps. I want to put my teeth into this bloody world and it's making me wait. It's making me wait and nothing is making me wait. I am a coward and fearless. Losing my shit. Never seen things so clear. Ever. I am ready to accept everything these statements imply.
I tried to explain all of this to someone at lunch today and he told me I was in bad shape and dark but that it was all very fascinating...that I do everything I do with the above mentioned and pictured exterior...that he worries about me and worries about that. I told him no one should ever worry about me. Ever. Ever. Ever. I adore bad shape. I am not in bad shape. I write and speak strong words because it's all I know. I want a lot from this world so I have to be unstoppable. Standing still hurts me. It makes me want to cry and kill. I feel like I'm standing still right now. I want to cry and kill and scream and bail and learn to fucking breathe again and find new skin. I want everything anyone has ever had that would cause me envy. I am going to build and destroy the world. I am coming to terms with that. Coming to terms. Repeating myself. Repeating myself.
