Are You Happy?

I've been rapping with the great Lindsey Long about Lost and its finale and the astounding Moulin Rouge (which was on here in Thailand yesterday...as was P.S. I Love You ((I'm sure the guild is right on top of that, aren't they Steve!)), when she decided to so casually drop the casual, "Are You Happy?" Big question. Maybe the biggest question of them all...

Let me say first off that I am an extraordinarily self-reflective person. Probably to a fault. It means I usually know what every decision I make means to me, at least on the grand scale. When the decision came for me to get up and leave Los Angeles, there was room for a thousand questions, most of them concentrating around the word why. Los Angeles was comfortable and accessible. I had love for it and it had love for me. It didn't make sense for me to get up and do what I did...but maybe that's exactly why I knew I had to - why I knew I didn't have a choice. I would also be lying if I didn't admit something was strangling me there, taking me and squeezing me dry of something I can't afford to be dry of. I needed a rinse. I needed a shake. I needed to reset myself and have now begun to start that process here.

Yes, I am happy. Absolutely. I was happy when I was in Los Angeles too. Absolutely. Like most people if they are willing to admit, I can swing pretty far in both directions, and often do. When I hit black, I try to understand it and know that I have control over the events that will lead me back towards the light. I know what it takes, know a little better what it takes every time I go into badness and get out of it.

The question of happiness means a lot coming from who it came from because about 3 years ago, we met up and lived together in Cape Town for 8 weeks - essentially to do similar things as the things I'm doing here. There were times in paradise where we hit some form of black and didn't know how to handle it because how could something like that exist in the place we were living? That's what we were thinking. That's what we were asking each other - heavy when you consider it. Just like everything in this life, circumstances can't change you. I think we understood that better than most people, at least because we were in it and living in it...or at least we understand it excellently now.

So when it was time to move to Thailand, to come over here and go searching again - I didn't expect it to be some form of rescue. Never in my life would I ever rely on something like this to patch something in my former life. That would be weak and evasive and I flag shit like that instantly and face it instantly. This was something else. This was in my guts. If I've learned to trust anything in this world, it's that my intuition is strong and I must follow it.

I came here to write another book, or to find the colors for the next book - even though the first one is still, actually still in limbo. It makes me sleepless but not really. I came here to train for the November Ironman in Cozumel. Yesterday I ran a morning and evening 5k sprint and swam for an hour in the ocean. This morning, I already ran for 90 minutes in the soul-sucking heat...and I genuinely, genuinely feel like I have yet to commit to the cause. My head is so beautifully poisoned. So I'm dealing with that...a lot of that. The first day I got here, I met a Thai girl who reminded me of my sole crazy at first sight that I never took to bed. I was so in love with this girl and it never happened because of her. When I met this Thai girl, she was so shy, barely spoke English. I've been spending time on Google translator, started to get worried that I was turning into a Love Actually arc when last night, she came knocking on my door. She spoke English beautifully and then didn't have to. Now I have a Thai girlfriend until the 5th of June and she woos me incredibly.

Happiness is difficult to define. I still wake up in the mornings here and know I have to bleed something out. I think of all the rabid dogs I'll have to outrun and of the fights that will ensue in those following moments and for the rest of my life. At 6 in the morning, even here, that's black. I am aware of it, and also that it is here because I summon it, because I cannot survive without it. After 28 years of life, I've come to accept and understand what is necessary for me to operate with honesty. When hurt comes, it's usually because I'm asking it to come, to test me, to lend me new understanding before I deal with it. The origin usually stems from worlds that are out of my control or self-imposed titanic expectations I have of myself and I know that, know all of that. Like I said, I am an incredibly self-reflective person. I am aware of these battles. I am aware that with all of the light I live in and with all the light I believe I desire to shine, I'm equally evil and coarse. If you don't know, you don't know me. Not many do. That's how it will always remain...and I wouldn't be saying that unless there was a need. There is.

I feel open, more open than I have felt in a long, long time. I can feel everything here. I can feel so much. That truth makes me lose myself for moments thinking about it. Happiness to me...happiness to me is feeling like I am on a journey, knowing that everything happening here, every moment of literally every day is banking somewhere inside of me, giving me some form of a greater understanding of myself, of the people all around me. That is happening. I am growing. Saying that, knowing it's the truth...I'm happy here.