Because I'm attracted to something of a drifting reality. I'm sitting here working and thinking it's been a while since I faced this thing - Chronicles - really faced it. There was a time very recently where someone said something to me like you know, you're going to have to erase all that - all of it - anything that will lead back - it's gonna have to go. I think it affected me. I think I felt abandoned by it - this - like something in all of my aforementioned could somehow work to sabotage and betray me. Strange, thinking back to what I thought. Of course all of this is now being made hyper dramatic by me - hyper not accessible by me - hyper coy by me but that's how I sometimes have to roll things out - protective like.
Work. At some point or many points along the way I said something like things will change when I stop having to speak for myself. When I don't have to sell myself and take shirts and collars and say listen, please listen I'm fucking yelling and screaming in your face and in your ears and my spit is flying and my teeth are like razors and you can't miss this, not a damn syllable. I don't know if I feel like that anymore. I don't know what I feel like anymore - just that I'm doing work - the only work I should be spending my time doing - finally - and sometimes on the special days when I finally make it out and these words have been dancing and shuffling in my mind and off my tongue all day all day - I don't know how to communicate with anyone but myself and I'm standing in line to buy something to eat and I get to the register and think I'm talking to the cashier and being polite and warm and realize I'm not saying anything, nothing at all and I laugh out loud to try to make things better which only makes things worse. Rogue laughter always makes things worse. I feel like I have everything under control and moving in the right direction. I feel like I'm becoming something - and I'm not trying to sound profound or difficult or anything. I'm just trying to write a post because I haven't written anything on here that's not about Nic Cage and Nic Cage's hair for a long time and it was weighing on me. I just want to do that. And I want to be somebody I think - I just don't know which somebody I want to be.
Gila broke my heart, and I remember driving around in the dark to Heart of Chambers and I think I'm waiting for this one to find its place somewhere - though we usually never know until somewhere down the line - when I can look back and define these emotions I don't really understand or have a tight hold on right now. With growth, maybe I will and then I can say something like yeah, that was it, but by then I'll be working through a new album, lost again, moving again through something immovable for a night or week, looking for progress, always progress.
