I am in love with. Been in love ever since I first heard her song. I was trying to explain this to the girl who was taking me to The Greek to see her tonight. Hadn't been to the Greek all summer - best venue I've ever known, just exquisite. Anyway, when she first waltzed out onto that stage and started that raspy soul sucking shit, I felt like I was falling into the floor. I wanted to meet her, tell her she wooed me, that she should be honored and that so few actually do. I felt like I was saying all of this out loud to my company - possibly foreshadowing lightly of what was to come between the two of us in real life. See, I had been seeing this girl long enough - or better...had enough of a connection and enough respect for her to know we had to talk. We were moving in separate directions and I could feel it. She was absolutely moving into the direction she should have been moving - towards me - and I was...well, standing still. I just wrote an e-mail saying something like, I've only gone on 4+ dates with 2 girls in the 5 years I've been in Los Angeles and loved both of them...before deleting it, as if it was supposed to be some form of consolation for my ending the night with words that led her into slamming my door and starting intentions of not behaving normally around me for the next 3 weeks. I was lucky to be with her. Absolutely and still...this is just how I behave.
I couldn't fuck her, just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't kiss her anymore. I couldn't do anything that wasn't absolute truth - even if she wanted me to and was asking nothing of me but to be present...or so she said...or so we all say. Today, I wrote my manager and asked him why the fuck he hasn't sold my rapture yet. He said something like Labor Day and then asked me why I haven't written my next outline. Over the next 3 days, on a sweet binge and out of spite and as a loving fuck you, I'm going to write my entire next script and drop it in his god damn face. Tomorrow, after a good 5 weeks off from running, I'm meeting Billy Mac to go for a run, to breathe in the shit and soot of these forest fires and start my obsession again with getting my 26.2 under 3:11. Fuck the booze I've been drinking and the weakness I've been consuming. This thing has to be done, both of them and everything and I was trying to explain to her that this was all on my mind and invading and that the invasion is unstoppable and she said something like that's just an excuse...that's all an excuse. Then she tried to lump my behavior into everyone else's, knowing how much it would piss me off to conjure such make believe - to group me into the fucking masses when we all know better.
It's not me, it's you. All I want is to speak and can't...
There is no one for me to play with.
