I had it circled on my calendar for about a month and tonight came and I've been all fucked up because change is coming and it's freezing and raining and I feel like I just had my heart broken which is funny because that's not possible right now. I was going to see St. Vincent at El Rey on this Tuesday night. I taught class and was going to rush over there but I couldn't do it. There's too much circling - too much shit - too much do you really want to do everything you set out to do well here is your chance don't fuck it up right before you step up to the plate type of angst circling in me. And I've been trying to figure it out, keep telling myself that a good night's sleep will clear everything away and I know this to be true but it doesn't excuse the fact that I was all poison today, somewhat still poison right now. The culprit isn't necessarily change - I find I embrace and crave and seek change well. It's the sweeping form. The last time I felt like this - to an extent, I swapped jobs, lost a girl, got my script kicked and someone died - all at the same time. Now, it doesn't feel like that and like I said, I'll wake up tomorrow morning excellent, convinced of my bi-polarity and get on with the thousand things I have to get on with. Just my style. This is just how I behave.
But I really wanted to see this song tonight - because it's one that I could set on repeat and let it roll and let it roll and it just grabs deeper every time, something I can't really define. I think that's what we call genius around here. But I didn't, so I'll be stomping around YouTube tomorrow hoping someone taped it, hoping I don't wake up in the morning and regret the relentless work I'm chasing right now. I won't. That's just not how I behave. So beautiful though, would have been nice to collect. Another time, another place.
