Thursday...

I've been pissing away weight lately. Yeah, literally. Literally, in the morning I wake up startled by color and it reminds me of time I spent in Paris or Cinque Terre, not really eating or not eating as much as I should have been between the running and hiking and lugging and map reading. My visuals are poor taste, I know, but necessary. It reminds me of the marathons I ran in LA and Athens when the same thing happened...something along the lines of a sign, hint or notification - "you're right on track, buddy! Keep it up."

Every day, this something grows more bastardly to satisfy. Yesterday, I slipped to 198 and had no idea until the numbers flashed. And that's the source of my marveling, not seeing it coming until it hit, getting lost and caught in the push. And my skin is growing tight and my mind taut and lean. Every day, I pick fights, fucking fight and power through - with my work, heart. And though I am most certainly vain at times, this has nothing to do with vanity and everything to do with something else from which I long ago lost control. Every vein, every muscle, the million beads of sweat I evict, I'm not trying to do anything, this just is. Over the years as we learn to grow and live with ourselves, we learn of what we are...then learn to deal with what we are.

All I want to be is unstoppable. And I need that to be the notion from which I'm made and un-made.