January 17, 2010
So We Grow...
20 i'm shaking this is where it begins keep them in your sight don't let them go get your head down drive drive drive find your breath too deep you're choking you're fading don't you dare this is where we get stronger not fade 21 and 22 745 more more more don't let this slip don't let them get away it's beautiful right so beautiful you want to cry good for you let's go life on that road life on that road you have 28 minutes to go 4.2 and Boston is yours head down fight fight harder harder dig it out you have no choice 23 24 gone 14 minutes for 2.2 you have a shot if you die for it you have to move you have to drive 25 in 640 you got it if you can take down 1.2 miles in 720 that's a 620 clip my body just failed breathe stop easy stop easy not today not possible you've had it that was too much easy easy easy dimitri dimitrov is running next to me saying just enjoy please just enjoy I have to this one is going to hurt and bad I can feel it it already does this one is going to be bad this one was so beautiful easy enjoy it breathe enjoy it you earned your life today son you earned your life today breathe no apologies. 3:14:57.
March 11, 2010
Durban…
I keep on telling him, keep on trying to explain my life, how he couldn't understand it and he usually says something like what's there to understand. Then, ditch your fucking crutches. Then, all you are these days are crutches, and weak. Then, writing bitch posts about fucking gingerbread houses and our book that you're trying to sell to New York. Then, fuck New York, they'll never understand us anyway. Then, that's not what this is about. Then, I thought this wasn't about that - or didn't need to be about that - that one would always happen without the other - that nothing is contingent and if you say it is, then you are finished my friend and not only that but that I might not want you as a friend anymore because you used to be so immune to traps - so immune. I usually take a breath and say nothing or say something like Mid May, over and over but for whatever reason, it's never good enough for him, as if I expected it to be - as if he expects me to leave tomorrow, say something like I'm on my way John, see you in Bangkok. I still have a couple ends to tie up in life or so I tell myself. No, I do. The point, I keep telling him is that someone has to sell this book - and he sure as hell isn't going to do it. Someone has got to give us weight, relevance. That's on me, and I keep trying to explain this and he doesn't seem to care, and there's really nothing I can do about that except tell him that my calendar is circled.
Our time will come again. It's approaching. Love you, brother, now leave me the fuck alone for a month. I'm trying to make you famous.
March 16, 2010
Opie…
There's a mix that I can make of Modest Mouse - all Modest Mouse that feels what I'm feeling now. Boys are raw - I'm dealing with a severe imbalance right now and things are swinging. The music is roaring on my head and I was going through, always going through when I stopped and let myself come to an understanding that I am fucked this minute, just fucked and I can sit here and watch it and feel it watching me or I could take a drive or pretend like I could go to sleep - or write something down - admitting that I have nothing to communicate to - that I don't have the skills to communicate myself to anything but myself. Watch me feel love. Watch me push. Fucking hard. Watch me spit. Fucking spit. I am dirty. I am filthy. I am a motherfucker. Durban is coming after me. This marathon is coming after me. The life I've been bleeding for is at my door and I either won't open up or it won't ring my bell. I can't understand faces but my own. This is how it happens - a rush, all at once, swirling all fucking around me until I cave or my back snaps. I want to put my teeth into this bloody world and it's making me wait. It's making me wait and nothing is making me wait. I am a coward and fearless. Losing my shit. Never seen things so clear. Ever. I am ready to accept everything these statements imply.
March 20, 2010
# 7 Los Angeles
Alarm is set for 3 in the morning. I've got a back up. Have to get north of Sunset to meet my ride before 4. I should get to Dodger stadium by 530, extremely early for the 724 race. I'll lay on the ground and think about times when things have been tough, or when things are going to be tough. Time will fly. I'll line up, minutes before that gun and I'll kneel to the ground, because I do this thing that started a few marathons ago where I take my hand and push it into the ground, twist my knuckles into the pavement until they bleed a little bit, until I can feel that burn and sting before I pull back, before I feel the hurt of sweat covering those fresh parts of my hand for the next 3 hours, because that's how I've found I need to do business. I have never needed a marathon as much as I need this one tomorrow.
April 04, 2010
Let's Rant Quick For Now, Shall We?
I was riding my bike to the Grove yesterday, to the Rosetta Stone kiosk, because I want to learn Thai, because I don't know how long I'm going to be in Bangkok and beyond and I felt like I couldn't understand the colors and sounds of the world around me. In Los Angeles. Not anymore. I felt like, and I feel like what is coming for me is going to take my circuits and tie them fresh and raw. It's a scary and adrenal thought, leaving behind this form of comfort I've found, that I will always find, that I have to continue to battle off for the rest of my life. Bangkok is going to be hot, sweltering, and its culture is going to smash me at a thousand miles per hour. It fucking better. And if it doesn't, then it better know that I am coming to smash it. I want to get messy, lost, buried. I want to get in over my head, so far over my head and handle it. Then get over my head and handle it, and handle it, and handle it. Forever until it's no longer what I need, until I need to move off to something new, somewhere new, where the colors and sounds of Thailand go beyond understanding. Might take a while.
April 16, 2010
I Feel Like I Need To Stop Blogging...
Matt Vaughn, congratulations though, you made a movie that is going to do really well this weekend. You made a movie that people in my theater cheered for at least 3 times. IMDB loves you. Rotten Tomatoes loves you. You made a movie that this country is going to love because your heroine is 11 and says words like cunt and douche and fuck - and they'll think it's edgy and fresh and awesome. And then they'll go home and jerk off to Kim Kardashian and buy the latest Ke$ha single and I'll be on a flight to Thailand, waving goodbye.
April 18, 2010
Coachella, We're Just Gonna Play This One Through...
Bridges started to form between us at some point, and because of that I started to worry she would think I was trying to be the one thing I didn't want to be...and I think she started to worry that her kindness might be leading me on. At some point, one of us closed up...closing the other one. I bitch a lot on here about damage sustained over the years and I have to guess that this Girl could tell some of the same stories and tout the very same wealth of pained emotion. I have a feeling. So now when I see her I'm kind but curt and evasive because I'm trying to be courteous and not drive us any further apart, which is naturally driving us further apart. And still, we're both going absolutely out of our way to put ourselves in the same places at the same times, I think because we share a common faith for the ideal that we can and should know each other well for the rest of our lives. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm after. It doesn't take me long to realize that about someone when someone turns me. Last night, I stayed at this party until sometime after or around 4 and at some point, maybe on the drive home, I realized my situation's fatal flaw. I fuck women. Clearly I can't be trusted to mean these noble things I'm saying. Clearly all I can be is cunning and eventually damaging and potentially regrettable. Even though I never made a single play, even though I never had any intention of making a play, this thing between her and I that I was going to so carefully preserve is about to be gone. I'm not here to force and I'm not going to fight and I'm not going to repair. Maybe that's passive and maybe that's cowardly too but I just don't have the time or especially the desire to be convincing to anyone but myself. You're either on or you're off and I give a fuck but honestly...I can't. So I don't.
