I want to kill Subway Jared.
Allow me to say that one more time. I want to kill Subway Jared.
He seems nice. A dedicated, strapping young man who lost 325 pounds by eating nothing but Subway subs. Cool for you, Jared.
You’re still gonna die.
Let’s take it back to the roots. Get underneath this twisty little thing called murderous rage…
I want to stuff him in a parachute sack and tie him to the back of my car…take a trip to familiar Baja back roads. After bleeding and tenderizing his body for 32 miles, I would promptly feed him to the nearest pack of coyotes and sexed up wild dogs.
I want to road trip with Jared to Northern Cali, cherishing every one of the 360, “you’re a failure” minutes it would take to reach our destination. Upon arrival, I’d put rocks in his socks, smash him across the back of his head with my Louisville Slugger and toss him into Lake Tahoe.
And this may be getting out of line, but…
I watch Jared’s spasmatically reserved annunciation and get a hard on thinking about hacking his jaw off with a crowbar. Is that wrong? Disturbed? Upon completion of the initial task, I would pound HIS face in with HIS removed jaw. I assure you, no one has ever beaten the hell from someone with their own jaw. A leg, maybe…but come on. And that’s the kind of guy I am. Trailblazer. Pioneer.
Don’t get me wrong. Back in the day, it was an admirable feat. It was like, hey…that fat fuck Jared lost 325 pounds on the Subway diet. Sweet. Good for Jared. Those days are no longer. Go hide in a cave…somewhere in the Appalachians for the rest of your life.
It’s not too much to ask. And yes, I am asking.
I bet he lives in Los Angeles. I bet he has an agent. I bet he actually goes to auditions. I bet if I remove the Illinois plates from my car, I can hit and run that fucker with a passion that only the truly gifted poets could sing.
Look, I’m not here to fill you with the same murderous intent that flows through my veins. It’s just that…if you see him, could you please kill him?
Enough Jared.
…
Want to feel my early morning California on this November 30th?
Why, of course…
1. Interstate Love Song – Stone Temple Pilots
2. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
3. It Beats 4 U - My Morning Jacket
4. Where is My Mind? – Pixies
5. Another Day - Rent (Movie Soundtrack)
6. Perfect Situation - Weezer
7. Forget Her – Jeff Buckley
8. Gideon - My Morning Jacket
9. Knock Yourself Out - Jon Brion
10. Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll - The Killers
